Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Day we found out

It was the night before our 20 week ultrasound Tommy and I couldn't wait to see our baby we were so excited and just didn’t had any idea we were less than 24 hours away from the biggest life changing event of our life’s !

We went to bed that night guessing if it was a boy or a girl, of course Tommy was just thinking about boy names!! He was so sure we would have another boy!! I had a feeling we would have a girl.. I remember just thinking how great it would be to have a girl after 5 boys in the family.
The following morning I picked Tommy up from work, on the way I was getting emotional just thinking about seeing our developing baby and becoming a mommy again at the same time I was really nervous, not so sure why.
We headed to our appointment where we had a level 2 ultrasound scheduled...

I can remember the entire appointment like it was yesterday. I lay on the table with my 20 week belly proudly bare. I could tell immediately that we are having a girl ! Tommy’s face was priceless he’s mouth just dropped when she confirmed my thoughts.. We both laughed and held each others hands as tight as we could. .
The Ultrasound tech asked us if we already had a name for our precious daughter and it was already decided that I wanted to honor my mother by naming the first girl in the family after her.. And somehow I felt that this way she will always be with us and will never be forgotten by anyone!! The Tech's face turned from a smile to a mischief, all of the sudden the room fell silent.
I could have heard a pin drop. The Tech kept staring at the screen and measuring and re-measuring the heart and re-measuring again. I had to finally ask…”Is everything ok with the heart?" Her respond, "I am having issues with the heart." It literally brings me to my knees just thinking of that day. She went out and got the Doctor… he also kept re-measuring exchanging words with the Tech. that neither Tommy or I understood!!

After he told us he thought our baby girl had tricuspid atresia, he (as many doctors did) gave me a box of Kleenex. I have never been so hurt in my entire life, not by anything or anyone. This wasn't supposed to happen to us. I am young, healthy, eat right, take my vitamins, avoid being around anything harmful, I did anything and everything a pregnant lady was supposed to do, I did.. I thought I did everything right. There is so much self blame associated with hearing news like this, I felt 100% responsible for this news. Even to this day, a small part of me wonders if I could have done something differently.
I kept thinking I did had a couple of sour amaretto’s at our anniversary which was only 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant, I did had the flue around 8 weeks and I was given Termaflue that I only took for 2 days.( I absolutely hate taking meds) .Should I have finished it or maybe the 4 pills did all that?? At 9 weeks i got into a fight with a family member that got me really upset and stressed ..maybe that?? Or Maybe the flight to New York at almost 11 weeks when I met my sisters?All that is haunting me every single day!! My Obgyn assured me that this disease "just happens" just happens?? Mhh yea that really didn't make me feel any better!!

Sometimes I wish I could go back and undo those days, make the results come back differently. We met with the specialist the same day and were "offered" countless number of times to terminate the pregnancy… we completely caught our self’s in a bundle of mixed emotions..
We keep wondering why they are offering us this option and I actually caught my self thinking of the possibility. Am I ashamed of it? Yes! Do you blame me?
Well you shouldn’t !
Not knowing as much as we know now about this disease you could not have blamed us.. It just was so much to take in all in one day ! The only words we heard when they were explaining HRHS to us was “Heart” “Disease” “operations” “85% chance” and the worse of all “Death” “Death” and “Death”.
We literally came home, sat in the dark, sobbing, crying.
We didn't want to talk to anyone, we didn't want to accept the news.
The last time i experienced such an intense form of sadness was when i was told about my Mother's Terminal cancer!!

Over the course of the next few weeks, we slowly picked up the pieces of our shaken and broken lives. And of course it didn’t take us long to come to a decision, I called our specialists the following day asking her numbers of questions I had since I really didn’t listened to anything she said the day before..
She made me feel much better explaining that they had to give Parents this option, she gave me all the statistics of HRHS and ended our conversation in these words “ I Think Nadia has a good chance of life” Of course there is so much Doctors can do but in the End our Precious Nadia lies in the Hands of God ....and in God I trust!!!
Throughout the remainder of my pregnancy I am on a journey. A journey of accepting the news. Accepting that our daughter has a serious heart defect. The grieving process hasn't ended, I am not sure if it will. I have learned so much in these past few month I have learned that life is not fair, or so we think, beauty doesn't always mean perfection, and that no matter how bad you think you have it, there is always someone walking a more difficult journey. I have learned that I have the most amazing and supportive husband who I could not live without. He is the most calm and kind person I know and that no matter what we will have each other, we have family who love us and support us and even my sweet Justin has teched me something. He teched me to stay positive and hopeful and their for i am thankful.

We ask that all of our friends and family kept us in their prayer and thank you for all of your support!

We love you

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Start your day with a Prayer for those you Love

Das Gebet des Herren

Vater unser im Himmel,
geheiligt werde dein Name;
dein Reich komme;
dein Wille geschehe,
wie im Himmel so auf Erden.
Unser tägliches Brot gib uns heute.
Und vergib uns unsere Schuld,
wie auch wir vergeben unsern Schuldigern;
und führe uns nicht in Versuchung,
sondern erlöse uns von dem Bösen.

Denn dein ist das Reich und die Kraft
und die Herrlichkeit in Ewigkeit.

Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses.
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the kingdom,
The power and the glory,

aba:na: aldhai fi: al-samawa:t *
li:takads ismak *
lita:t malkutak *
litakun mashi:tuka *
kama: fi: al-sama' wa-alai al-arð *
xubsana kafa:fana a9tina al-yo:m *
wa-aghfar lana xata:ya:na *
kama: naghfar naðu liman axta' alaina *
wa-la tudxilna al-tagarin
laken naxina min al-shari:r